“Paradoxical” is the word that describes the feeling that I had to go through when I could bring myself to write something about ‘being self’.
The experience is rich, but when it comes to conveying the experience, there is a lot of hesitation. The hesitation is about the apprehension that the reader might be easily led to misconstrue what is being sought to be said.
The simple experience is that at least till the time I could complete about 5 to 7 years of schooling, I never knew any other way to be than myself! And honestly, it never occurred to me that others would feel any differently than this. The earliest memory of being required to be something else than being myself, was when a new teacher suddenly looked up at me and announced in the class “You will be the monitor”. There was a gush of strange experiences surging within me. It was almost like suddenly finding our image when looked at into a mirror resembles a strange monster! I knew almost all the trouble makers in the class, who would easily find a place in the list to be created by a class-monitor. The reason was simple. All of them were my very close friends! This was the only unenviable part of the task to be performed by a monitor. Other than that, it was mostly running errands for the teacher. Fortunately for me, this new assignment did not last more than a couple of days, and nobody really felt me as a ‘monitor’, and the whole thing was forgotten too soon. Even I would have forgotten it, but for that strange and new experience of being something other than myself! The experience kept haunting me, and used to ‘trap’ me, at the most inconvenient times, into a deep thought process!
Later, I just happened to fit into any role given to me, so that ‘being’ something else really never troubled me.
Much later, as spiritual quest began deepening, more surprises awaited me. The ‘role’ at times seemed more original than the ‘self’ that I was so well accustomed with! And it is these roles that usually irked people around me quite often. It is not that I could not contain myself, to remain peaceful with others. But I could not hold back, what I could do when I saw the potential within the others around. This struggle, this effort, this persistence helped me to understand, what not-being-self can do to others, or anyone.
It is in this backdrop that I did attempt to answer a question that had some fragrance of a genuine ‘seeking’. The details that followed the question impressed me a lot. Especially, the mention of a ‘mask’ that covers the ‘self’!
PSN(18th April, 2011)
Can I be myself again? (A psychological question too)?
For those who have read my previous 2 questions , you would be more aware of my problem.Wearing a mask character made me lose my own personality (as I think).Pretending to be someone else for the comfortability of others have destroyed myself,what I was.Now I am filled with a horrible emotionlessness state.My high passions are gone, my thirst to study is also gone.Can I ever regain what I was , can I ever get that fiery spirit of passion and desires of my education and job.I want them as at present my mind is very blank.I have no desire to improve in anything.My academic brilliance is falling.I studied very well in previous , lowerclasses.But when the need for study is at the highest point in my academic life(Next Year Board Exam) I am not feeling any urge to study.I am a mere teenager with the whole of future infront of me.I know perfectly well that if I don't put on my best efforts in my education my previously cherished dreams , hopes all will be no more.But still even being aware of these facts I don't feel a thing.I have at least 10 years of education waiting infront of me.I don't know if I am feeling like this from this early age,what would my attitude be at the most hard work demanding(academicaly) times of my life.I am about to face my ClassX board exam around this time next year.If I am not preparing I will lose,by cheating not only myself but also my loving parents wh have set the expectations high in me.If I do so,then I don't see any point in living anymore.I just want my previous self back again.I want my passion or the ardent desire to concentrate on my goal.I had dreamt a lot about my brilliant perfomance in the coming class and in the XII too.But at present ,do you think I can make it?Now only I realise that having no stress and tension can ruin a man's life.I just want my spirit of passion back.Once my friend told me not to have much expectations.So I stopped expecting and you know without hoping or expecting,a man can never do his best.This too happened to meI know it is a lot boring to read till this end and I am sorry about it.But please help me as this is a most disturbing time for me.I would be very grateful if you tell me some effective study tips too.
My answer:
Very relevant, to mention that this is a psychological question too.Those who are having that subtle ability to 'choose', for them, it is a philosophical question.
Those who are driven by the crazy state of mind, for them it is a psychological question, since their mind is just available with an open window through which somebody else can open, with lots of restrictions.
.
Now, please see, the very fact that the mind is asking about it, is enough proof that there is the ability to decide, the ability of choice, to choose. Which simply means, we have the 'discerning' power. This is available only to those who are in this 'human frame' ! If an open mind can understand the value, the significance, worth and time-limitation of this 'discerning ability' (the precious human lifetime!), only then something worthwhile "becomes" (happens-to-be) the choice of such a person. For all others, it is just 'yet-another-life'!
..
It is to be considered very fortunate that there is a thought process which has discovered that 'wearing a mask character made me lose my own personality....'
..
To make a humble beginning, please try out a very simple, but quite ancient and time tested device. Breath-watching. Elaborating the benefits, would raise the expectation so high, that now, the expectations itself would become a stumbling block for the benefits to accrue. (One thing can be said, to inspire, motivate, or even to reassure , that, when this breath awareness deepens, the thought process would become cohesive, smooth, and positive. Once the positive takes over, things would fit in at its proper place, and then you would be more towards your own very self!).
Best wishes.
No comments:
Post a Comment