Obedience scares me

 Obedience scares me

I am an odd type of guy 😥

The “why” of  obedience of somebody unto me, trying to scare me,  is related to my brief experience of my life. I am just another living organism here. No 2 leaves are alike on this planet 🙏. Then what to speak of any 2 of the most_complex life forms, the humans?  My blabber, at the best, can only be a sort of guidance, and mostly to avoid the pitfalls that I faced, to be ‘wisely’ avoided by the other👍. Materialistic handling of life, for the sake of some kind of social order might need some adherence, relevant exclusively for the human species (all other life forms are ‘free' from the need of any social order, laws of any kind 😜. Nature has provided an embedded software in them. We are cursed to choose, what we do with our own lives😥🙏).

When I was a kid, I faced the remnants of eccentricities of a virtual joint_family (it was already fragmented in reality 😓). A few siblings of my dad lingered, by sheer reason of economic dependency 🙏, and ‘attrition’ from forced jointness(joint’mess’ actually, effectively) got automated, with no questions asked 😜. The ‘feeling' of helplessness in the dependency for food augured the seeking to look for an outlet for pent-up emotions😂.  A kid is visibly the most_dependent victim 👍. “Let him face the consequences of his dad's supremacy on us!”, became the logic….  

The brain churns out a logic to ‘suit’ the mind's emotional dictates (negative emotions or positive). And the negativity in the mind takes shelter under the justification accorded by brain, forgetting that the ‘end results’ of the project to be encoded were actually dictated by the mind in its design 😂

Commercial fear is perhaps the only dictator in today's mind, which designs a project and assigns it to the brain. (Fears can be of many kinds, owing to the desires and the mind's apprehensions of improbability of those desires not getting actualised 😜).  Anger, resistance and hate are mere by_products of this fear.

My kid age mind, somehow got entrapped into the seeking answers for the oddity noticed in the elders around. The desire itself got shaped into an exploration mode 😭. Historically, Explorers world over,  look at only a threat_perception related to survival, as a source of their fear 😜. Otherwise, exploration is the desire which assigns a project to their brains to do the ‘programming’ assisted by O.I.( original intelligence, or…. N.I., the natural intelligence 😓).

The rest of my personal traits were merely consequential, including the one that keeps asking “silly koschans” 😂. 

The biggest surprise came in my life, when a teacher in spiritual bijness paused his gaze into my ‘eyes’ for a couple of extra moments and then never bothered to fix his gaze into my eyes, ….ever! My surprise was at my own fuzzy, vague and yet a very FIRM ‘feeling’( yes👍… just an unexplained feeling ONLY) of a ‘kind_of_reassurance’.  My mind scrambled for a ‘word’ to describe that strange ‘feeling’ 😂. The brain conjured “YES” as the only available word in my memory godown that comes CLOSEST to describing it. The intellect in me is still unable to reason out the phenomenon, that matches the word “yes”!  

Then onwards, the journey of seeking (for answers, exploration of ‘truth’---whatever that damn thing called ‘truth’ means😥) got its direction reversed. Ancient guys labelled it(the direction)as ‘inwards’ …   But, all my input devices that I got used to were naturally “looking outwards”, outside of me 😓.  Even to ‘look’ inside within was without any ‘tool’ or an input device 😭.  My understanding was that the ‘physicality’ of the entire inside_of_me was automated and self_supervised. People around me vouchsafed this logic😂. A doctor is the one supposed to find out “what's wrong” with the inside of his ‘patient’. Even he consults another doctor to check his own inside! 🤣

The spiritual practices and tools provided by this teacher, during the next few days, weeks and then the culmination of it called “wholeness” in months, helped me to explore the inside 🙏.  

The tragedy is, the temptation to focus on the outside recedes ‘naturally', once I got busy with the seeking into the inside. The most elusive guy inside,  is this ‘life energy' ticking within 😂. When he comes under ‘the' focus ( ‘whose’ focus is no longer relevant 😜. It turns into ‘self’ and the rest of the guys within subdue themselves to this ‘self’.... The body and mind. I still don't know about the guy ‘intellect’ 😓. Is he a separate entity or a mere projection of the self, getting shaped at will, by the self? 

Oh!

Apologies 🙏.

I didn't really mean to confuse a reader 😥.

I was looking ‘out’ for someone who might have ended up looking within, similarly like me! It was a futile looking 🙏. A paradox, when a fellow being looking within is unlikely to look at my blabber which is his-outside for him🤣. ( At the best, somebody can only make use of my flaws and avoid it himself 👍).

Defocusedly yours,

psn(11 Nov 2026)

A tragic tailpiece:

Of late, I find disinclined to obey even my own mind 😥. (It's just a collection of my past experiences, isn't it? Nothing to do with intelligence). Whereas no moment is a repeat in the entire history of eternity. Each moment deserves a celebration, free_from_mind! Why should others obey my mind? To me, it seems like ‘passing on the buck’ I am obeying somebody, and let others share it. “Circular_circle” as a comedian said in a movie “Johnny mera naam”.