Facing myself
We all do this standing before a mirror.
There's nothing much we can really do about what we see.
As a kid, I had a most stupid & idiotic logic about desisting from looking at a mirror 🙏. I am not the one who is going to look at ‘how_I_appear’. A little later, I realised the mistake 😂. My responseAbility to make myself a little ‘presentable’ 🙏. By this time, the elders decided “DIY” ( do it yourself).
But, I got ‘used to’ not_bothering about ‘how I look’. ( 2 decades later, I was the sole idiot who didn't care about hair, dress etc even at work place. Situation suited me too_well. A small town, and simple farmers mostly, their ENTIRE focus was on ‘safeguarding’ their money they entrusted with my bank ( not how I look. In fact, they felt ‘homely’ dealing with a guy who looks like an illiterate poor labour 😜. My bosses ‘gave up’ their efforts to convince me “try to look a little more decent”). How much I ‘wished’ that they used the other word ‘be’ instead of ‘look’ 🙏. I would have obeyed like a slave!
I kept ‘looking’ at my within, right from my kid age. And till I started shaving my beard, elders around never missed an opportunity to mock at me for the ‘ideas’ and ‘thoughts’ that spill out, as a consequence of my looking at within 😭. When majority felt alike about me, I concluded “it's a manufacturing DEFECT in me, which I have to live with 😓” Another side effect was, it afforded me very little mind_time to look at polishing my outer appearance 😜🙏 (1974, the manager even told me ‘you are right, but try to ‘sound’ a bit more polite. We are here to do bijness, not to correct others 🙂” 100% sensible 👍. I adopted it in a moment, and it stayed till I retired 😜. I don't point out other's miss-Takes, not even colleagues. Its their problem. I do what I am paid for 👍. ).
A joke: I even managed to satisfy a huge depositor, that his money won't be too_conspicuous in the eye of a ‘casual’ tax-leech 😜. I became my trade_secret.
My inside now 🙏
1992, a spiritual program tempted me when a guy who attended it came to convince and said “a glimpse of divinity guaranteed in the 13 days👍”(that's his_opinion or experience, whatever 👍.. but I am ready to stake the small fee they quoted. I rarely get to see a guy ‘lecturing’ about my manufacturing defect 😜).
The words of the fellow who conducted this program , spoke only about looking inside ourselves for all the 13 days. I was stupified 😳. Damn ! Just what I looking for since my kid age 🙏😭
The worst tragedy was…. There was nothing much, I had to do with myself as a mid_,course_correction , since he spoke things with irrefutable reasoning and utter clarity 😥, and all I had to do was to ‘tick’ his checklist with what was within.
A relief : damn! I was not_wrong all along 👍 (this gave me 100% freedom to focus on the spiritual practices part that he taught).
It took ridiculously less time for me to 'get the hell out' of the misinformation bombarded on me about me_being an idiot, ignorant of how to handle my inside myself.
No turning back now👍
It wasn't entirely ‘without’ any problem 🙏. (People around lost no time in passing an unison_judgement “you didn't change a bit, after the program” 😓. Whereas the guy who taught us had been honest “don't advertise this. We are not fooling more for a profit. If it hasn't worked for you, don't recommend it for others. In fact, WAIT for others to NOTICE a real transformation in you, and they should pester/nag you to disclose what you did 👍” I was STRIPPED of the marketing tool 😂. Looking at me was only going to convince them “his way of being is more solidified now. Confirmed idiot 👍”
But, things changed for me thereafter. Once I get an assurance that my ‘route’ is okay, I needn't keep crawling back-and-forth due to uncertainty 🙏. Just get up and run 😂. I did just that! Damn lucky 👍.
Vainly yours,
psn(1 Sept 2026)
